Mortified

Over the course of the night, tell a series of embarrassing stories about yourself to everyone with whom you speak. They don’t have to be true, but try not to repeat yourself. Don’t bother to smoothly segue into them either, just abruptly change the subject whenever you have a chance.

Make sure to end each story with, “Oh my God, it was so embarrassing! I could just die!”

The first few times you do this, you will probably get away with it, nobody will notice your unfortunate choice of words. Or if they do, they won’t think anything of it, it is a common expression, after all. However, every time you say this, you will be really loud and obnoxious about it, so that others can hear you too. When people you have spoken to earlier overhear you talking to others, they will begin to notice. Once you have passed a minimum threshold, a general consensus will emerge amongst the bereaved that you are an asshole.

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The Proposal

You’ve been together for a while.  Long enough, anyhow, for her to ask you to accompany her to a family funeral.  You’ve dressed yourself up in your best suit and provide a sturdy shoulder to cry on.  After the ceremony, as family members gather together to share their fondest memories of the deceased, you get down on one knee and propose to your girlfriend.  Pick a moment where this can be seen by as many people as possible.

The Benefits :  If she says yes, you know you have a keeper.  If she’s willing to put up with you after this, you know you can get away with quite a bit.

Also : At your wedding, one side of the aisle will likely be pretty empty.   Her parents and siblings will attend of course, but many of her aunts, uncles, and cousins will likely boycott the ceremony out of disapproval for your dickish stealing of their dead relative’s thunder, and selfish disregard of their greif.  You will save money on catering.

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The False Alarm

At some particularly solemn moment during the ceremony, stand, turn to the entrance, point and shout, “OH MY GOD HE’S ALIVE!,” appear confused for a moment, apologize and sit back down.

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The Other Woman

A gorgeous woman in her late twenties who attends the funerals of married men with money.  She doesn’t know any of these men personally, but finds out about the funerals through the obituary section of the newspaper.  She wears elegant black dresses which are conservative though flattering, and big dark sunglasses, regardless of the weather.  She talks to no one, and stays far away from other guests.  At open caskets she weeps audibly but also makes a visible attempt to restrain her tears.  She makes a conspicuous effort to avoid the widow. . .

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