Fake News

The Presidency of Hilary Clinton: A Cautionary Tale

/ Anthony Matijas / Leave a comment

The looming election of Hillary Clinton as the first woman president of the United States will be the opening of the final act in a revenge tale spanning multiple decades that saw her patiently biding her time before she could assume the office and take on the executive powers established by George W. Bush, and accelerated by Barack Obama, whereby the president could assassinate anyone in the world with no checks, balances, or oversight; even if they are US citizens, even if they are innocent of all crimes.

The one person worried most about this unprecedented rise of authoritarianism in America has not been some jihadist fomenting unrest in Syria, Iraq, or Yemen; not some lone wolf terrorist enthusiast ready to write his own jihad fan fiction in blood on the streets of a Western metropolis. No, it has been Monica Lewinsky watching the skies with growing unease over the past eight years, wondering at what altitude one could spot a predator drone, or whether or not she would be able to hear the hellfire missile when it came for her, even for a second; affording her enough time to reflect upon the days when she slept with the most powerful man in the world, never considering that his wife would one day become the most powerful person on the planet.

Watching the inauguration from an apartment she will henceforth not leave for months, Lewinsky will already have given up. In the early days of the Obama presidency, with Clinton as his Secretary of State, she still had hopes she could get off the grid. Live in the mountains, the desert, somewhere remote, sparsely populated, and beautiful; pay her rent by selling hand-knit doodads on Etsy via some alias, and remain anonymous. She knows better than that now. There is no grid, only a net, and the NSA has long ago caught her and her online personae within it, not to mention her semi-famous face and a back-story bordering on the legendary which still gets her recognized on a daily basis for certain deeds she never wanted once to define her as a person.

Lewinsky will survive the first years of a second Clinton’s presidency, owing not the least to the patience of her tormentor, who has waited so long that she could wait a few more years. Yet this patience, so conducive to cold-blooded revenge, will ultimately be Lewinsky’s salvation; as a newly aligned Supreme Court, tilted to the left by a Democrat administration’s appointed liberal judges, will stun the legal community and civil libertarians by ruling that the presidency of Hilary Clinton must, by law, pass the Bechdel Test. The dissenting opinion, a three word missive that will read, “Bitches be crazy,” will be universally acknowledged as the most succinct summation of the court’s views over the last 226 years, though now somewhat dated. The concurring opinions accompanying the majority view will go on to state that some cum stains are just incidental to the physical act of love, that the Other Woman is not the one who is cheating on his wife, and that the president cannot assassinate a US citizen unless they have done something truly ghastly such as having been born in the wrong country or having unpopular political opinions.

In Which a Lover of Liberty Attempts to Grapple with the Terrible Tragedy in France, and its Implications for Freedom of Speech

/ Anthony Matijas / Leave a comment

Editorial

This is not the first time that I’ve been outraged by the senseless death of innocent people at the hands of deranged savages.  Far from it.  Whenever there has a been a mass shooting at a school, or a terrorist attack in another city, I have sat by my television and watched the wall-to-wall coverage of slowly emerging facts, I have sat at my browser hitting refresh as investigations were underway.

I have nodded considerately at the dominant narratives to emerge, spun out by those in the media paid to think about these matters.  When they said it happened because of poor gun laws, I was pro-gun control. When they said it was untreated mental illness, I was pro-pill.  And when they said it was because of the terrorists, I was pro-war.

George W. Bush said that they hate us for our freedom.  I never believed him.  He was an untrustworthy man, I’ve been told.  Did you hear he might of lied about something during the last Iraq war?

Clearly, history has vindicated Bush the Second, with the horrific events in France earlier today when men in balaclavas murdered the staff at Charlie Hebdo, a satirical magazine which fearlessly mocked everyone, including the Prophet Muhammad, despite the fact that they very well knew that something like this could have happened. For what else could this be, but a blatant attack on free speech?

Read the news, everyone agrees.

Granted, I was ready and willing to surrender my rights to due process and my freedom from search and seizure without cause in service to the War on Terror.  But those freedoms were an easy offering.  Nobody like me, nobody who looks like me actually felt the loss of those rights, nobody I know was detained at airports, renditioned or tortured.  I’ve never had law enforcement investigate my friends, my family, my fellow mosque-goers, as ‘persons of interest’.  I don’t even go to a mosque.  Besides, it’s only temporary.  Once the wise men who run our government win this war on a concept, an amorphous and semantically ambiguous foe, things will return to normal.  Just like income taxes will go away when we no longer have to fear the Germans (almost there).

I was ready to accept living in  a world where government monitored, or had the ability to monitor, all of my communications and online activity without a warrant.  After all, I haven’t done anything wrong,  so what would I have to worry about?

But my freedom of speech, especially my freedom to make fun of other people’s religion, this is something I hold sacred.

And even if the government tells me some day down the line that I need to, for a little while, give up my freedom of speech for the cause (I know, it can never happen here), I will gladly hand over that right to defeat an enemy who would rather take it away from me by force.

Departing Pope Accused of Promoting Worship of a Fictional Character

/ Anthony Matijas / 1 Comment

bat phoneDoffing his mitre for the last time today, the Pontiff Formerly Known as Pope Benedict XVI leaves behind a church more embroiled in controversy now than ever before.  Following his slippered heels as they vacate the papal suite that has housed him for 8 years, claims have arisen that the Church’s central figure, a mysterious man named God with no known occupation and one alleged illegitimate son, is not actually a real entity.

“Boy, is our face red,” said Vatican spokesperson Father Federico Lombardi in response to “Vatileaks” documents smuggled out to reporters by the departing pope’s former butler, Paolo Gabriele.  The classified files reveal that not only have certain church authorities known that God was made up, but have actively tried to hide this information from the Catholic public.

“We never considered that the reason there is so much animosity and disagreement between various sects and faiths over what God expects of us, is that everyone has just been making it up as they go along,” said Lombardi.

Cardinals Roger M. Mahony, Sean Brady, and Godfried Danneels, of the US, Ireland, and Belgium respectively, issued a joint statement indicating that their voting on a new pope starting this Friday, is ‘cheapened’ by the revelation that the pontiff to come will be the mouthpiece of a nonentity.  The three cardinals agreed they would not have devoted all that effort shuffling around priests accused of child abuse had they been protecting the reputation of an institution based on say, Huck Finn, or Sherlock Holmes.

“These latest revelations really make a mockery of our work,” said the trinity of aiders and abetters.

The Catholic Church is no stranger to controversy, and in addition to God’s nonexistence and the child abuse accusations that have been emerging since the 1990’s, Pope Benedict XVI’s career has been plagued by scandal.  After offending the world’s Muslims by having major media outlets quote him out of context, he later remitted the excommunication of the bishops of the Pius X society, an organization that includes the restoration of the monarchy, the Vichy regime, and holocaust denial as ‘likes’ on their Facebook page.

The Vatileaks documents stolen from the former office of the pope emeritus have also revealed corruption amongst prelates, bribes accepted for papal audiences, and a cabal of homosexual ecclesiastics blackmailed by jilted lovers amongst the laity.

The summation of these revelations, presumably to be accompanied by damage control proposals, was commissioned by Benedict and produced by three cardinals.  It’s completion prompted the declaration of resignation made by the pope on December 17th, and will greet his replacement, scheduled to take office by March 24th, Palm Sunday.

008 Benedict XVI helicopterHe gave his final public address on Wednesday, and after greeting cardinals in Rome before they elect his successor, Benedict XVI boarded a helicopter bound for his papal retreat.  Professional lip readers are unanimous in their assessment that the words he shouted underneath the roar of the rotary aircraft were indeed, “So long, suckers!”  It has yet to be determined however, if the comment was directed at the ecclesiastical authorities he was leaving behind, or to Catholics in general.

While the former pope has many detractors, few could disagree on one thing : It is extraordinary that his membership to the Hitler Youth ended up being the least controversial thing about him.

The next pope has a difficult task ahead of him.  Not only will he have to contend with a church rife with internal divisions and intrigue, but also one hounded by criticism from without over it’s beliefs and practices.  It doesn’t help that declining numbers of faithful in developed nations, have forced the church to turn to places such as Africa, where it insists on instructing followers to not use condoms, even if that means dying from AIDS.

“Jesus always went bareback,” said Pope John Paul II in 2003.

The Vatican’s secretary of state, Archbishop Carlo Maria Vigano, summed up the coming challenge.

“The next pope will have to separate the wheat from the chaff and punish the wicked so that the rest of us can wash our hands of all these iniquities,” he said, referencing a famous bible verse where one of the characters washed their hands, “That way, we can get back doing the work God put the Church on Earth for, such as laundering money for the mafia.”

Benedict XVI

Syria’s Chemical Cocktail Makes World Leaders Loose and Giddy

/ Anthony Matijas / Leave a comment
Bashar Assad offering one of his trademark conciliatory gestures.

Bashar Assad offering one of his trademark conciliatory gestures.

In the geopolitical equivalent of standing next to the fat girl in order to look skinny, the international community eagerly awaits Syria’s use of chemical weapons upon its own people, to take the heat off of them from their own critics.

Infotainment professionals in the United States have repeated reports from unnamed sources in the US government, whom are said to be reliable, that increased activity has been seen at Syrian sites which house weapons of mass destruction.  It is believed that Syria possesses the ingredients for sarin, a deadly nerve agent, and that President Bashar Assad could be in the process of preparing the chemical for use against rebel forces in Syria’s 20 month civil war.

World leaders have greeted these reports with a mixture stern warnings and sighs of relief.  Gods & Services presents a weekly round-up of the international response:

Russia celebrated the increased pressure on Syria by killing 3 more journalists and imprisoning another punk band, Dick Party.

“Their new album was really disappointing,” said Vladimir Putin, “after they replaced their original guitarist they haven’t been the same.”

Turkey welcomed the news in the face of criticism for its jailing of thousands of Kurdish citizens since 2009, including many journalists and human rights activists.

“Turkey is a democracy,” said Prime Minister Tayyip Erdogan, “it’s not my fault if the 18 million Kurds here can’t vote themselves up some civil rights.  There are proper ways to oppress people in the civilized world, Assad just doesn’t understand that.”

In a joint press conference with German Chancellor Angela Merkel, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu admitted that if Assad does make use of his stockpile of sarin, images of sweaty, twitching Syrians unable to breath, with drool and vomit spewing from their mouths and excrement dripping down their pant legs, will be a breath of fresh air for his nation.

As one of few countries to have not signed the nuclear Non Proliferation Treaty, and widely believed to possess an arsenal of nuclear weapons, Netanyahu hopes Syrian war crimes will put to rest the recent request by the United Nations General Assembly for weapons inspectors to be allowed into Israel.

Chancellor Merkel herself addressed the issue in light of the ongoing European economic crisis.

“Maybe Germany can finally get back to imposing crippling austerity measures upon Greece without incurring any criticism now,” she said, “and just generally carrying on as if we’ve never heard of a man called John Maynard Keynes.”

Amidst the unnecessary rubble of the recent 8 day war, in which Hamas learned once again that perhaps they cannot take on the Israeli Defense Force through military means, a spokesman was quoted to say: “Hopefully, once Assad releases the gaseous atrocity upon his own people, it will really put the Palestinian issue in context.  Maybe then the world will see that launching 1500 crude rockets over the heads of terrified civilians isn’t such a bad thing.”

In the United States, a group of jubilant Marines celebrated the coming war crimes by urinating upon the naked body of Bradley Manning after his recent appearance in court.  Manning faces charges over his leak of classified videos documenting American war crimes in Iraq and Afghanistan.

“We can finally get back to business as usual,” said Brigadier General Chuck Choda, “Drone strikes may kill a lot of civilians, but as the leaked videos demonstrate, you can have a lot more fun when you’re right there to pull the trigger yourself.”

John Baird attempting to contain his enthusiasm.

John Baird attempting to contain his enthusiasm.

Canadian Minister of Foreign Affairs John Baird, was similarly grateful for the new round of condemnation upon Syria.

“Our government has received a lot of flak domestically and internationally for being one of the few countries to oppose the Palestinian Authority’s unilateral move to gain multilateral recognition.  As if seeking  status as a state in any way furthers the goal of finding a two-state solution.  It’s ridiculous.”

“Hopefully, if Syria starts firing deadly toxins upon is populous, people will stop talking about me.  And with a little luck, Canada can stand by and do as little as possible while thousands die.  It’s worked so far.”

Indeed, with an estimated 40,000 dead since the civil war broke out in March 2011, news coming out of Syria has become rather stale.  To date, these deaths have been caused almost exclusively by traditional bullets and explosions, a relatively boring way to die which fails to meet the basic threshold of entertainment value that would provoke a humanitarian intervention.  Should Assad use weaponized sarin upon the Syrian people, particularly civilians, world leaders can embark on a new round of grand standing and venting of moral indignation.  The inevitable footage of prone bodies, either paralyzed or dead, will send a strong message to their own constituents to be happy with what they have.

Reprobate Palestinian Youth Poised to Ruin Christmas for Jews and Muslims Alike

/ Anthony Matijas / Leave a comment
A rebellious Palestinian youth about to inflict severe property damage

A rebellious Palestinian youth about to inflict severe property damage

The children of Palestine, long infamous for delinquent behavior such as throwing rocks at Israeli peace keepers and armoured personnel carriers, have decided to celebrate Wednesday’s ceasefire by playing hooky.

Though the numbers of these truants remain low, only 30 have been reported missing so far, if the past is any indication we can only expect to see even more kids skipping out on their studies.  Following Israel’s Operation Cast Lead in 2009, up to 300 went missing from the attendance rolls, never to reappear.

In 2009, teachers conducted a ‘public shaming’ by placing the names of truant kids upon their desks and taking snapshots. Note the little boy in the front, and his acute disappointment in his study-buddy’s failure to attend.

Despite the fact that the most recent eight days of conflict between Israel and Hamas destroyed 10,000 Palestinian homes and provided a myriad of legitimate excuses to miss a day or two of class for housekeeping, teachers report having received no signed permission slips from parents of absent students.

There is nothing new to this behavior.  For years now, Palestinian children in Hebron have been dropping out with complaints of being stoned by Israelis on their way to school.  Yet whenever these same Arab students had IDF escorts, the soldiers could not corroborate these claims.

“We are expected to believe that the presence of armed gunmen will discourage citizens of the West Bank from throwing rocks,” said IDF spokesman Sacha Dratwa, noting the extreme levels of bigotry amongst settlers, “The whole thing is absurd.”

It is difficult to expect anything less from the culture of entitlement that has emerged in the Occupied Territories.  With 30% of Gazans out of work and 80% living off of UN handouts, it is no wonder that children are growing up with the attitude that everything in life will be provided for them with no effort or gumption required on their part.

Dratwa was also very critical of Palestinian attempts to explain away the lackadaisical performance of their school children.

“The Arabs are always saying their kids can’t attend class because they’re dead,” he said, “But unconstructive statements such as these are counterproductive to the peace process.  They only serve as propaganda for the terrorists.”

There is ample evidence that Western journalists are accepting these claims of victimhood.  On November 15th the Washington Post ran a front page photograph of an Arab journalist cradling the corpse of his son, his face a melodramatic caricature of grief.   The paper failed to provide relevant context,  or to balance this photo with one depicting the high costs of war for the Israeli people.  Despite heavy criticism the paper did not back down, and writer Patrick B. Pexton offered a disingenuous defense of his employer by pointing out, that as of that date, no Israelis had been killed by Hamas in this most recent bout of violence.

 “The Post cannot publish photographs that don’t exist,” said Pexton, yet the first of five Israeli deaths occurred later that very day.

“It’s as if the Western media doesn’t understand that all Palestinians are born with terrorist sympathies,” said Dratwa, “Given how many of them we kill on a semi-regular basis, it’s only a matter of time before they turn violent.”

“I have yet to actually see the movie The Minority Report, but I fully accept its premise,” he added.

In a public announcement earlier today, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu spoke directly to this issue.

“It is preposterous that launching 1500 airstrikes over 8 days upon the 5th most densely populated area in the world would result in heavy civilian casualties.  It has already been proven that Israel takes great pains to avoid collateral damage.  For instance, when we bomb the homes of the Hamas leadership, we make sure to do so during business hours, when people should be at work, and their children in school.  These are residential areas we’re talking about.  We don’t want anyone to get hurt.”

The proof Netanyahu referred to, was this report by an unbiased source, listing the measures the IDF employ to mitigate civilian deaths.

The Prime Minister finished his speech with a stern warning to Hamas and the truant Palestinian kids.

“The state of Israel cannot abide young students being denied lessons in arithmetic so that they can be sent to some terrorist summer camp.  We will not be able to discuss a long-term peace settlement with the Palestinians until these children ‘rise from the grave’, so to speak, and Hit the Books once again.”

Gods & Services cannot confirm this as of yet, but according to some observers of Netanyahu’s public address, the Israeli Prime Minister did indeed make little quotation marks with his fingers.

No need to panic: This photograph has been doctored. Bibi does not have six fingers, and he is definitely not any kind of Ultra-Bigoted Militaristic Doom Mutant.