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The Israeli Weight Loss Program

/ Anthony Matijas / Leave a comment


“The idea is to put the Palestinians on a diet, but not to make them die of hunger.”

—Dov Weisglass,  adviser to Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, 2006.

No modern state is complete without a narcissistic obsession with body image, and in light of this, the Israeli government has been aggressively pursuing a weight loss program for Palestinians in anticipation of their eventual statehood.  Machine guns, F-16s, and economic sanctions have all been employed to lose those unwanted pounds.

Israel first launched The War on Fat in September of 2007 by going straight to the source of weight gain : the food supply.  Whereas 400 trucks would regularly ship in supplies to the 1.5 million people of the Gaza Strip, the government did some math and cut it down to just 67.   The defense ministry reasoned that a human being requires no more than 2300 calories per day to survive, so they made sure that’s all that they received.  Presumably, distributing this food evenly throughout the world’s fifth densest population presented some logistical difficulties, and so some Palestinians benefitted from an extra intensive crash diet.  Today, 5% of children under five enjoy stunted growth due to malnutrition.  These approximately 40,000 lucky dogs will grow up with smaller, more compact bodies, saving them big bucks at the grocery store. 

Unfortunately, this particular program came to an end in 2010 after a little bit of bad press over some flotillas and dead human rights activists.

This run of bad luck didn’t stop the Israeli government, however, and by pursuing a policy of keeping Gaza’s economy “on the brink of collapse”, they could ensure that even if food was available, Palestinian’s wouldn’t be able to afford too much of it. Even this week, as Gazans are getting together to spend more time indoors with their families, they can only stock their pantries after waiting hours in line for bread.  Better it eat it slowly, fatsos!

Contrary to most weight loss regimens, the Israeli Defense Force has been discouraging exercise, which is inherently dangerous (ever pull a groin muscle?), as a complement to dietary restrictions.  Team sports can be particularly hazardous, and if you don’ t believe that, just ask the four kids killed by an artillery shell last Sunday while playing soccer.  Even before the rockets were being launched by Hamas, or the bombs were being dropped by the IDF, in this most recent round of violence, a 13 year old was killed by machine gun fire on November 8th “either from Israeli helicopters or tanks” also while playing soccer.

Solo recreational activities are no safer.  Even hiking can be deadly.    On November 5th, a 20 year old man described as “mentally unfit” wandered too close to the border and got himself shot in an area where medics had to wait six hours to get permission to retrieve him.  By the time they arrived to the scene, the careless retard was already dead.

With the extensive damage caused to Gaza’s infrastructure by the IDF in 2008’s Operation Cast Lead, swimming in Gaza means swimming in sewage.  They say you should always wait half an hour after eating before taking a dip, but they also say never, ever, swim with your food.

Clearly, dieting is the only answer for those tubby Palestinians.  And the best way to diet, of course, is to shut your mouth.  Even if  you are alarmed by 2/3 of infants, 1/3 of pregnant women, and 58.6% of schoolchildren in Gaza suffering from anemia because of the 2007-2010 blockade, don’t express your moral indignation.  Even if 69 dead, 500 wounded Palestinians from five straight days of bombardment at the time of writing, and 6 wounded journalists, seems to you too many, try not to say too much.  Even if “targeted assassinations” are way off the mark, shut your big fat Nazi mouth – that’s where the food gets in.

Israel has a right to defend itself, after all, and a moral obligation to ensure that the Palestinians of the Occupied Territories remain trim and svelte.  Besides, Collective Punishment is nothing more than Tough Love, and if you don’t get that then you’re just another naïve left-wing anti-semite who knows nothing about Healthy Living.

Harper Vows to Honour Remembrance Day by Producing More Dead Soldiers

/ Anthony Matijas / Leave a comment

Amidst a growing controversy over his government’s denial of funeral assistance to impoverished Canadian veterans, Stephen Harper delivered a bold Remembrance Day speech in which he avowed his esteem for Canada’s armed forces and promised to send off more young men and women to die to keep the national holiday viable in the future.

“We all know that Canadians love to wear poppies every fall to signal to others that they are not as apathetic or oblivious to political issues as they may seem eleven out of the twelve months,” said Harper, “but we have to address a growing demographic challenge which faces us in the years to come.”

The Prime Minister was referring to the fact that, of all the thousands of Canadian soldiers sent off to kill or die for the British and American Empires, most of them are already dead or extremely old.

“Remembrance Day will become an obscure reference to a dimly remembered Canadian past like Confederation Day or Victoria Day if we don’t maintain a steady stream of body bags imported from foreign theaters of war,” he said.

In a follow up to Harper’s speech, Peter Mackay identified modern military technology as the culprit.

“While airstrikes and drone attacks have proven extraordinarily efficient at killing Muslim civilians, especially children , they have been far less effective at killing enemy combatants and Canadian soldiers than your traditional ‘boots-on-the-ground’ approach,” said the Minister of National Defense.

If Harper’s speech is to translate into concrete policy changes, critics charge, military spending will have to be addressed. While pouring more money into the armed forces may appear to be a solution, they say, too large a portion of these funds are directed to programs such as “Arctic Defense” where there isn’t really anybody to shoot or to be shot by.

“Iran is really our best, brightest hope,” said John Baird, “Now that they’ve been accused of developing Weapons of Mass Destruction, the pressure is really on the international community to invade them before any evidence emerges to discredit these allegations.”

The Minster of Foreign Affairs pointed to the build up to George W. Bush’s invasion of Iraq in 2003.

“Can you imagine what would have happened if the world had listened to Jean Chrétien and had given weapons inspectors more time? There wouldn’t have been any war. Countless human beings would still be alive. That’s unacceptable.”

While Harper devoted some time in his speech to reaffirming his solidarity with the United States and Israel on the issue of Iran, he bemoaned their current joint military exercise as a signal that the coming war will once again be waged by aerial bombers and long-range missiles.

In his closing remarks, Harper pointed to Israel’s nuclear stockpile as a source of optimism.

“If Israel were to nuke Iran, it would be a great boon to our government’s commitment to the fetishizing of dead soldiers. In a post-nuclear apocalyptic Iran, Canadian soldiers could come in to pacify roving bands of mutant marauders and to rebuild badly needed infrastructure for western oil companies. Death by radiation poisoning may not produce the dramatically high numbers of Canadian military casualties incurred by previous generations who fought in both World Wars and the Korean War, but it will ensure a steady supply of military deaths.”

Should Harper’s policies prove successful, Canadians shall not want for fresh corpses to mourn over and to thank for defending the freedoms and liberties of a nation that has never, ever, been invaded or had its territory threatened since its independence in 1931 .