The Israeli Weight Loss Program


“The idea is to put the Palestinians on a diet, but not to make them die of hunger.”

—Dov Weisglass,  adviser to Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, 2006.

No modern state is complete without a narcissistic obsession with body image, and in light of this, the Israeli government has been aggressively pursuing a weight loss program for Palestinians in anticipation of their eventual statehood.  Machine guns, F-16s, and economic sanctions have all been employed to lose those unwanted pounds.

Israel first launched The War on Fat in September of 2007 by going straight to the source of weight gain : the food supply.  Whereas 400 trucks would regularly ship in supplies to the 1.5 million people of the Gaza Strip, the government did some math and cut it down to just 67.   The defense ministry reasoned that a human being requires no more than 2300 calories per day to survive, so they made sure that’s all that they received.  Presumably, distributing this food evenly throughout the world’s fifth densest population presented some logistical difficulties, and so some Palestinians benefitted from an extra intensive crash diet.  Today, 5% of children under five enjoy stunted growth due to malnutrition.  These approximately 40,000 lucky dogs will grow up with smaller, more compact bodies, saving them big bucks at the grocery store. 

Unfortunately, this particular program came to an end in 2010 after a little bit of bad press over some flotillas and dead human rights activists.

This run of bad luck didn’t stop the Israeli government, however, and by pursuing a policy of keeping Gaza’s economy “on the brink of collapse”, they could ensure that even if food was available, Palestinian’s wouldn’t be able to afford too much of it. Even this week, as Gazans are getting together to spend more time indoors with their families, they can only stock their pantries after waiting hours in line for bread.  Better it eat it slowly, fatsos!

Contrary to most weight loss regimens, the Israeli Defense Force has been discouraging exercise, which is inherently dangerous (ever pull a groin muscle?), as a complement to dietary restrictions.  Team sports can be particularly hazardous, and if you don’ t believe that, just ask the four kids killed by an artillery shell last Sunday while playing soccer.  Even before the rockets were being launched by Hamas, or the bombs were being dropped by the IDF, in this most recent round of violence, a 13 year old was killed by machine gun fire on November 8th “either from Israeli helicopters or tanks” also while playing soccer.

Solo recreational activities are no safer.  Even hiking can be deadly.    On November 5th, a 20 year old man described as “mentally unfit” wandered too close to the border and got himself shot in an area where medics had to wait six hours to get permission to retrieve him.  By the time they arrived to the scene, the careless retard was already dead.

With the extensive damage caused to Gaza’s infrastructure by the IDF in 2008’s Operation Cast Lead, swimming in Gaza means swimming in sewage.  They say you should always wait half an hour after eating before taking a dip, but they also say never, ever, swim with your food.

Clearly, dieting is the only answer for those tubby Palestinians.  And the best way to diet, of course, is to shut your mouth.  Even if  you are alarmed by 2/3 of infants, 1/3 of pregnant women, and 58.6% of schoolchildren in Gaza suffering from anemia because of the 2007-2010 blockade, don’t express your moral indignation.  Even if 69 dead, 500 wounded Palestinians from five straight days of bombardment at the time of writing, and 6 wounded journalists, seems to you too many, try not to say too much.  Even if “targeted assassinations” are way off the mark, shut your big fat Nazi mouth – that’s where the food gets in.

Israel has a right to defend itself, after all, and a moral obligation to ensure that the Palestinians of the Occupied Territories remain trim and svelte.  Besides, Collective Punishment is nothing more than Tough Love, and if you don’t get that then you’re just another naïve left-wing anti-semite who knows nothing about Healthy Living.

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