Trouble at the Old Advert Mill

Yesterday it was announced that The Grid would be publishing its last issue ever.  It was met with universal dismay by Toronto media and probably anyone who hopes to make a living in the industry, not to mention its readership.

News of the troubles at the Globe and Mail, by contrast, is a reassuring affirmation of karmic justice.  While the newspaper’s reporters go on strike to protest the requirement that they write articles paid for by advertisers, management is erecting a fence to keep them out.

If this is the beginning of the end for the company, it could not have come sooner.  A few weeks ago, it was revealed that when the Thompson family-owned paper announced its editorial board’s endorsement of Tim Hudak in the Ontario provincial election, it actually did so over the objections the editorial board who had unanimously endorsed Kathleen Wynne.

Last summer, while Canada’s Big Three telecommunications giants initiated an hysterical fear-based marketing campaign over the potential entry of Verizon into the Canadian wireless market, allegations emerged that executives at Bell Canada, which owns a minority share of the Globe,  ordered its media subsidiaries to write telecom-friendly op-eds.  Though the Globe and Mail was not named specifically in these allegations, it did run favorable press at the time, and the whole incident raises serious questions about journalistic integrity.

Hopefully, we will not have to go too long without the work of accomplished reporters such as Robin Doolittle, Jeffrey Simpson, Colin Freeze, among others.  Already, striking writers are threatening to publish a rival publication which would appear at the URL globenation.com.

However, if the Globe becomes the latest casualty in an industry struggling to adapt to the Internet Age expectation of free content, it will not be the one to miss.

Awkward Things to do at a Funeral #4

 

Mortified

Over the course of the night, tell a series of embarrassing stories about yourself to everyone with whom you speak. They don’t have to be true, but try not to repeat yourself. Don’t bother to smoothly segue into them either, just abruptly change the subject whenever you have a chance.

Make sure to end each story with, “Oh my God, it was so embarrassing! I could just die!

The first few times you do this, you will probably get away with it, nobody will notice your unfortunate choice of words. Or if they do, they won’t think anything of it, it is a common expression, after all. However, every time you say this, you will be really loud and obnoxious about it, so that others can hear you too. When people you have spoken to earlier overhear you talking to others, they will begin to notice. Once you have passed a minimum threshold, a general consensus will emerge amongst the bereaved that you are an asshole.

 

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Awkward Things to do at a Funeral #3

 

The Proposal

 

You’ve been together for a while.  Long enough, anyhow, for her to ask you to accompany her to a family funeral.  You’ve dressed yourself up in your best suit and provide a sturdy shoulder to cry on.  After the ceremony, as family members gather together to share their fondest memories of the deceased, you get down on one knee and propose to your girlfriend.  Pick a moment where this can be seen by as many people as possible.

The Benefits :  If she says yes, you know you have a keeper.  If she’s willing to put up with you after this, you know you can get away with quite a bit.

Also : At your wedding, one side of the aisle will likely be pretty empty.   Her parents and siblings will attend of course, but many of her aunts, uncles, and cousins will likely boycott the ceremony out of disapproval for your dickish stealing of their dead relative’s thunder, and selfish disregard of their greif.  You will save money on catering.

 

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Awkward Things to do at a Funeral #1

 

The Other Woman

 

A gorgeous woman in her late twenties who attends the funerals of married men with money.  She doesn’t know any of these men personally, but finds out about the funerals through the obituary section of the newspaper.  She wears elegant black dresses which are conservative though flattering, and big dark sunglasses, regardless of the weather.  She talks to no one, and stays far away from other guests.  At open caskets she weeps audibly but also makes a visible attempt to restrain her tears.  She makes a conspicuous effort to avoid the widow. . .

 

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