On Cock Sucking

How is it that the term ‘cocksucker’ has become an insult instead of a description, or even a compliment? How could anybody who’s ever had their cock sucked think this way? Do you have a cock? Ever been in love? Wouldn’t you want the person you love to be a cocksucker? If you have a cock, and you like putting it in mouths, why would you allude to that experience as a way to express your dislike of a person? Why would you use a word that describes what you wish your girlfriend did more of to describe the person who cut you off in traffic? Is it sexism, homophobia, or has every blowjob you’ve ever received been nothing but teeth?

The Presidency of Hilary Clinton: A Cautionary Tale

The looming election of Hillary Clinton as the first woman president of the United States will be the opening of the final act in a revenge tale spanning multiple decades that saw her patiently biding her time before she could assume the office and take on the executive powers established by George W. Bush, and accelerated by Barack Obama, whereby the president could assassinate anyone in the world with no checks, balances, or oversight; even if they are US citizens, even if they are innocent of all crimes.

The one person worried most about this unprecedented rise of authoritarianism in America has not been some jihadist fomenting unrest in Syria, Iraq, or Yemen; not some lone wolf terrorist enthusiast ready to write his own jihad fan fiction in blood on the streets of a Western metropolis. No, it has been Monica Lewinsky watching the skies with growing unease over the past eight years, wondering at what altitude one could spot a predator drone, or whether or not she would be able to hear the hellfire missile when it came for her, even for a second; affording her enough time to reflect upon the days when she slept with the most powerful man in the world, never considering that his wife would one day become the most powerful person on the planet.

Watching the inauguration from an apartment she will henceforth not leave for months, Lewinsky will already have given up. In the early days of the Obama presidency, with Clinton as his Secretary of State, she still had hopes she could get off the grid. Live in the mountains, the desert, somewhere remote, sparsely populated, and beautiful; pay her rent by selling hand-knit doodads on Etsy via some alias, and remain anonymous. She knows better than that now. There is no grid, only a net, and the NSA has long ago caught her and her online personae within it, not to mention her semi-famous face and a back-story bordering on the legendary which still gets her recognized on a daily basis for certain deeds she never wanted once to define her as a person.

Lewinsky will survive the first years of a second Clinton’s presidency, owing not the least to the patience of her tormentor, who has waited so long that she could wait a few more years. Yet this patience, so conducive to cold-blooded revenge, will ultimately be Lewinsky’s salvation; as a newly aligned Supreme Court, tilted to the left by a Democrat administration’s appointed liberal judges, will stun the legal community and civil libertarians by ruling that the presidency of Hilary Clinton must, by law, pass the Bechdel Test. The dissenting opinion, a three word missive that will read, “Bitches be crazy,” will be universally acknowledged as the most succinct summation of the court’s views over the last 226 years, though now somewhat dated. The concurring opinions accompanying the majority view will go on to state that some cum stains are just incidental to the physical act of love, that the Other Woman is not the one who is cheating on his wife, and that the president cannot assassinate a US citizen unless they have done something truly ghastly such as having been born in the wrong country or having unpopular political opinions.

Breaking News

The Colombian government is considering whether or not they should stop giving poor people cancer in order to make it more difficult for rich people to party all night.

Read the New York Times attempt to explain this in a way that doesn’t sound as absurd as it actually is:

Colombia: Officials Urge End to Herbicide’s Use on Coca

“Actual” Quote

“I am disgusted to see rioting as a form of political expression. Who do these people think they are, forcing me to confront my own privilege? Why can’t they voice their concerns through actions deemed lawful by a system that has consistently sought to undermine their lives and value as human beings?”

-Too Many People