A Modest Proposal to Solve the Refugee Crisis in Europe

Give the refugees, as a token of compensation for the atrocities they have lived through and escaped, a piece of someone else’s land. Arm them with the latest in high tech military murder gadgetry until they are, by several orders of magnitude, the most powerful nation in the region. Stand idly by while they brutalize the people who they have displaced for decades, reducing some to desperate acts of savagery which will perpetually justify collective retribution upon the women, children, and men whose only crime was to live upon a patch of dirt somebody else decided to claim for themselves. Shield them from the consequences of the international laws they have broken. Give them nuclear weapons. Make criticism of them the equivalent of political suicide bombing for the politicians of all the major nations in the west. And any time someone should ask: “Should they have shot those unarmed protesters?” “Should they have carpet bombed those residential neighbourhoods?” “Should they have starved those helpless people?” invoke the horrors of the wars and the evil of the dictators they had to flee before transforming themselves into a reflection of their own darkest terrors.

And then, of course, shake our collective heads in disbelief when one of their soldiers gets stabbed.

Syria’s Chemical Cocktail Makes World Leaders Loose and Giddy

Bashar Assad offering one of his trademark conciliatory gestures.

Bashar Assad offering one of his trademark conciliatory gestures.

In the geopolitical equivalent of standing next to the fat girl in order to look skinny, the international community eagerly awaits Syria’s use of chemical weapons upon its own people, to take the heat off of them from their own critics.

Infotainment professionals in the United States have repeated reports from unnamed sources in the US government, whom are said to be reliable, that increased activity has been seen at Syrian sites which house weapons of mass destruction.  It is believed that Syria possesses the ingredients for sarin, a deadly nerve agent, and that President Bashar Assad could be in the process of preparing the chemical for use against rebel forces in Syria’s 20 month civil war.

World leaders have greeted these reports with a mixture stern warnings and sighs of relief.  Gods & Services presents a weekly round-up of the international response:

Russia celebrated the increased pressure on Syria by killing 3 more journalists and imprisoning another punk band, Dick Party.

“Their new album was really disappointing,” said Vladimir Putin, “after they replaced their original guitarist they haven’t been the same.”

Turkey welcomed the news in the face of criticism for its jailing of thousands of Kurdish citizens since 2009, including many journalists and human rights activists.

“Turkey is a democracy,” said Prime Minister Tayyip Erdogan, “it’s not my fault if the 18 million Kurds here can’t vote themselves up some civil rights.  There are proper ways to oppress people in the civilized world, Assad just doesn’t understand that.”

In a joint press conference with German Chancellor Angela Merkel, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu admitted that if Assad does make use of his stockpile of sarin, images of sweaty, twitching Syrians unable to breath, with drool and vomit spewing from their mouths and excrement dripping down their pant legs, will be a breath of fresh air for his nation.

As one of few countries to have not signed the nuclear Non Proliferation Treaty, and widely believed to possess an arsenal of nuclear weapons, Netanyahu hopes Syrian war crimes will put to rest the recent request by the United Nations General Assembly for weapons inspectors to be allowed into Israel.

Chancellor Merkel herself addressed the issue in light of the ongoing European economic crisis.

“Maybe Germany can finally get back to imposing crippling austerity measures upon Greece without incurring any criticism now,” she said, “and just generally carrying on as if we’ve never heard of a man called John Maynard Keynes.”

Amidst the unnecessary rubble of the recent 8 day war, in which Hamas learned once again that perhaps they cannot take on the Israeli Defense Force through military means, a spokesman was quoted to say: “Hopefully, once Assad releases the gaseous atrocity upon his own people, it will really put the Palestinian issue in context.  Maybe then the world will see that launching 1500 crude rockets over the heads of terrified civilians isn’t such a bad thing.”

In the United States, a group of jubilant Marines celebrated the coming war crimes by urinating upon the naked body of Bradley Manning after his recent appearance in court.  Manning faces charges over his leak of classified videos documenting American war crimes in Iraq and Afghanistan.

“We can finally get back to business as usual,” said Brigadier General Chuck Choda, “Drone strikes may kill a lot of civilians, but as the leaked videos demonstrate, you can have a lot more fun when you’re right there to pull the trigger yourself.”

John Baird attempting to contain his enthusiasm.

John Baird attempting to contain his enthusiasm.

Canadian Minister of Foreign Affairs John Baird, was similarly grateful for the new round of condemnation upon Syria.

“Our government has received a lot of flak domestically and internationally for being one of the few countries to oppose the Palestinian Authority’s unilateral move to gain multilateral recognition.  As if seeking  status as a state in any way furthers the goal of finding a two-state solution.  It’s ridiculous.”

“Hopefully, if Syria starts firing deadly toxins upon is populous, people will stop talking about me.  And with a little luck, Canada can stand by and do as little as possible while thousands die.  It’s worked so far.”

Indeed, with an estimated 40,000 dead since the civil war broke out in March 2011, news coming out of Syria has become rather stale.  To date, these deaths have been caused almost exclusively by traditional bullets and explosions, a relatively boring way to die which fails to meet the basic threshold of entertainment value that would provoke a humanitarian intervention.  Should Assad use weaponized sarin upon the Syrian people, particularly civilians, world leaders can embark on a new round of grand standing and venting of moral indignation.  The inevitable footage of prone bodies, either paralyzed or dead, will send a strong message to their own constituents to be happy with what they have.

Reprobate Palestinian Youth Poised to Ruin Christmas for Jews and Muslims Alike

A rebellious Palestinian youth about to inflict severe property damage

A rebellious Palestinian youth about to inflict severe property damage

The children of Palestine, long infamous for delinquent behavior such as throwing rocks at Israeli peace keepers and armoured personnel carriers, have decided to celebrate Wednesday’s ceasefire by playing hooky.

Though the numbers of these truants remain low, only 30 have been reported missing so far, if the past is any indication we can only expect to see even more kids skipping out on their studies.  Following Israel’s Operation Cast Lead in 2009, up to 300 went missing from the attendance rolls, never to reappear.

In 2009, teachers conducted a ‘public shaming’ by placing the names of truant kids upon their desks and taking snapshots. Note the little boy in the front, and his acute disappointment in his study-buddy’s failure to attend.

Despite the fact that the most recent eight days of conflict between Israel and Hamas destroyed 10,000 Palestinian homes and provided a myriad of legitimate excuses to miss a day or two of class for housekeeping, teachers report having received no signed permission slips from parents of absent students.

There is nothing new to this behavior.  For years now, Palestinian children in Hebron have been dropping out with complaints of being stoned by Israelis on their way to school.  Yet whenever these same Arab students had IDF escorts, the soldiers could not corroborate these claims.

“We are expected to believe that the presence of armed gunmen will discourage citizens of the West Bank from throwing rocks,” said IDF spokesman Sacha Dratwa, noting the extreme levels of bigotry amongst settlers, “The whole thing is absurd.”

It is difficult to expect anything less from the culture of entitlement that has emerged in the Occupied Territories.  With 30% of Gazans out of work and 80% living off of UN handouts, it is no wonder that children are growing up with the attitude that everything in life will be provided for them with no effort or gumption required on their part.

Dratwa was also very critical of Palestinian attempts to explain away the lackadaisical performance of their school children.

“The Arabs are always saying their kids can’t attend class because they’re dead,” he said, “But unconstructive statements such as these are counterproductive to the peace process.  They only serve as propaganda for the terrorists.”

There is ample evidence that Western journalists are accepting these claims of victimhood.  On November 15th the Washington Post ran a front page photograph of an Arab journalist cradling the corpse of his son, his face a melodramatic caricature of grief.   The paper failed to provide relevant context,  or to balance this photo with one depicting the high costs of war for the Israeli people.  Despite heavy criticism the paper did not back down, and writer Patrick B. Pexton offered a disingenuous defense of his employer by pointing out, that as of that date, no Israelis had been killed by Hamas in this most recent bout of violence.

 “The Post cannot publish photographs that don’t exist,” said Pexton, yet the first of five Israeli deaths occurred later that very day.

“It’s as if the Western media doesn’t understand that all Palestinians are born with terrorist sympathies,” said Dratwa, “Given how many of them we kill on a semi-regular basis, it’s only a matter of time before they turn violent.”

“I have yet to actually see the movie The Minority Report, but I fully accept its premise,” he added.

In a public announcement earlier today, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu spoke directly to this issue.

“It is preposterous that launching 1500 airstrikes over 8 days upon the 5th most densely populated area in the world would result in heavy civilian casualties.  It has already been proven that Israel takes great pains to avoid collateral damage.  For instance, when we bomb the homes of the Hamas leadership, we make sure to do so during business hours, when people should be at work, and their children in school.  These are residential areas we’re talking about.  We don’t want anyone to get hurt.”

The proof Netanyahu referred to, was this report by an unbiased source, listing the measures the IDF employ to mitigate civilian deaths.

The Prime Minister finished his speech with a stern warning to Hamas and the truant Palestinian kids.

“The state of Israel cannot abide young students being denied lessons in arithmetic so that they can be sent to some terrorist summer camp.  We will not be able to discuss a long-term peace settlement with the Palestinians until these children ‘rise from the grave’, so to speak, and Hit the Books once again.”

Gods & Services cannot confirm this as of yet, but according to some observers of Netanyahu’s public address, the Israeli Prime Minister did indeed make little quotation marks with his fingers.

No need to panic: This photograph has been doctored. Bibi does not have six fingers, and he is definitely not any kind of Ultra-Bigoted Militaristic Doom Mutant.

The Israeli Weight Loss Program

“The idea is to put the Palestinians on a diet, but not to make them die of hunger.”

—Dov Weisglass,  adviser to Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, 2006.

No modern state is complete without a narcissistic obsession with body image, and in light of this, the Israeli government has been aggressively pursuing a weight loss program for Palestinians in anticipation of their eventual statehood.  Machine guns, F-16s, and economic sanctions have all been employed to lose those unwanted pounds.

Israel first launched The War on Fat in September of 2007 by going straight to the source of weight gain : the food supply.  Whereas 400 trucks would regularly ship in supplies to the 1.5 million people of the Gaza Strip, the government did some math and cut it down to just 67.   The defense ministry reasoned that a human being requires no more than 2300 calories per day to survive, so they made sure that’s all that they received.  Presumably, distributing this food evenly throughout the world’s fifth densest population presented some logistical difficulties, and so some Palestinians benefitted from an extra intensive crash diet.  Today, 5% of children under five enjoy stunted growth due to malnutrition.  These approximately 40,000 lucky dogs will grow up with smaller, more compact bodies, saving them big bucks at the grocery store. 

Unfortunately, this particular program came to an end in 2010 after a little bit of bad press over some flotillas and dead human rights activists.

This run of bad luck didn’t stop the Israeli government, however, and by pursuing a policy of keeping Gaza’s economy “on the brink of collapse”, they could ensure that even if food was available, Palestinian’s wouldn’t be able to afford too much of it. Even this week, as Gazans are getting together to spend more time indoors with their families, they can only stock their pantries after waiting hours in line for bread.  Better it eat it slowly, fatsos!

Contrary to most weight loss regimens, the Israeli Defense Force has been discouraging exercise, which is inherently dangerous (ever pull a groin muscle?), as a complement to dietary restrictions.  Team sports can be particularly hazardous, and if you don’ t believe that, just ask the four kids killed by an artillery shell last Sunday while playing soccer.  Even before the rockets were being launched by Hamas, or the bombs were being dropped by the IDF, in this most recent round of violence, a 13 year old was killed by machine gun fire on November 8th “either from Israeli helicopters or tanks” also while playing soccer.

Solo recreational activities are no safer.  Even hiking can be deadly.    On November 5th, a 20 year old man described as “mentally unfit” wandered too close to the border and got himself shot in an area where medics had to wait six hours to get permission to retrieve him.  By the time they arrived to the scene, the careless retard was already dead.

With the extensive damage caused to Gaza’s infrastructure by the IDF in 2008’s Operation Cast Lead, swimming in Gaza means swimming in sewage.  They say you should always wait half an hour after eating before taking a dip, but they also say never, ever, swim with your food.

Clearly, dieting is the only answer for those tubby Palestinians.  And the best way to diet, of course, is to shut your mouth.  Even if  you are alarmed by 2/3 of infants, 1/3 of pregnant women, and 58.6% of schoolchildren in Gaza suffering from anemia because of the 2007-2010 blockade, don’t express your moral indignation.  Even if 69 dead, 500 wounded Palestinians from five straight days of bombardment at the time of writing, and 6 wounded journalists, seems to you too many, try not to say too much.  Even if “targeted assassinations” are way off the mark, shut your big fat Nazi mouth – that’s where the food gets in.

Israel has a right to defend itself, after all, and a moral obligation to ensure that the Palestinians of the Occupied Territories remain trim and svelte.  Besides, Collective Punishment is nothing more than Tough Love, and if you don’t get that then you’re just another naïve left-wing anti-semite who knows nothing about Healthy Living.