Commentary

Hurricanes Happen Because You Touch Yourself at Night

/ Anthony Matijas / Leave a comment

If Jesus-freaks want to blame hurricanes and other natural disasters on women in revealing clothes, voodoo practitioners, or homosexuals, that’s just fine with me. These biblitards are the same asshats who think that evolution is “just” a theory, and that global warming is a liberal conspiracy designed to usher in a one world government ruled by Satan and Michael Moore. Doesn’t anyone else see the opportunity here?

I’m pretty sure a correlation can be found between the increasing acceptance of gays and lesbians in western societies and the rising average temperature of the globe – at least since the career of Oscar Wilde. Someone should start a campaign to reduce the use of fossil fuels as a way of combatting homosexuality. It’s ridiculous, but it’s no more ridiculous than this. If it works, by the time the world is covered in solar panels, windmills, and happily married gay couples, it will be too late.

The fundamentalists could then assemble in parks, sit in circles, and thump their bibles together while nearby, hippies will jeer at them and tell them to go get haircuts, until their own particular brand of faith-based willful ignorance quietly goes extinct.

Presidential Debates

/ Anthony Matijas / Leave a comment

Instead of 3 presidential debates, they should have 2 debates and one agreement. In the agreement, the final of the 3 events, both candidates have to discuss all the issues that they agree on so that the American voter can discover how little of a choice they really have.

Fun fact : the Commission which supervises these debates is jointly run by the Democratic and Republican parties and prevents any third or fourth party candidates from entering unless they have 15% support in the polls. That means that someone like Gary Johnson, who is up to 10.6% in the swing state of Ohio, and who could actually significantly alter the results of the election, is not allowed to debate. Ralph Nader was prevented by police from attending the debates in 2000 as an audience member, despite having a ticket, and Jill Stein, the Green Party candidate this election was arrested for trying to attend the debate today.

Americans face a classic trillemma : You can be liberal, you can be informed, or you can support Barack Obama; but you can only be 2 of these things and never all three.

Here you can catch CNN’s 8-minute “other” debate in which Libertarian Gary Johnson and Green Party candidate Jill Stein share that time in explaining their platforms.

4 minutes each is a little generous though, I’d prefer to see Obama and Romney use that time to argue who could kill more civilians with predator drones.