A Primer on the Harper Government’s Bill C-13

Peter Mackay1. Bill C-13 is a bill before Parliament supposedly intended to address cyberbullying.

2. Cyberbullying led to the tragic suicides of two girls recently. It was obviously very sad. There are already laws on the books that could have helped these girls, but nobody seemed to care because neither of them were famous or dead at the time.

3. Instead of enforcing preexisting laws, Bill C-13 has been written to reiterate laws which already exist, though someone will still need to enforce them at some point if they are to have any effect.

4. Additionally, instead of addressing the question of why young women are made to feel ashamed of their sexuality while the sexuality of young women is fetishized by the entertainment and advertising industries, we have a bill before Parliament that will land you in a lot of hot water if you dare steal your cable TV hook up.

5. In fact, most of Bill C-13 doesn’t address cyberbullying at all, most of it further empowers law enforcement to erode our right to be safe from unreasonable search and seizure as stated in section 8 of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms.

6. Bill C-13 is a lot like Bill C-30, the online surveillance bill that failed last year, the one that had a lot of people upset because then Public Safety Minister Vic Toews said that anyone who opposed the bill was siding with child pornographers. Either due to the negative PR that exploded following that statement, or out of the discomfort of arguing with a room full of alleged child pornography enthusiasts, the bill was withdrawn.

7. Bill C-30 was very unpopular, but I suspect it had something to do with the Public Safety Minister saying something stupid. People love it when politicians say something stupid because it makes them feel smart, especially journalists. So far, the Conservatives have not said anything particularly stupid about Bill C-13, so it will probably pass this spring.

8. Despite the public statements of Minister of Justice Peter Mackay to the contrary, Bill C-13 will allow for law enforcement to have warrantless access to information of subscribers to Internet and telephone services. Which means that one does not have to be suspected of cyberbullying, child pornography related crimes, terrorism, or even jaywalking for the police to investigate them.

9. Often, people will suggest that privacy invading laws don’t bother them because they’re not doing anything wrong, and who would take an interest in them anyways? Often, the people who say such things do not belong to the demographics most likely to have their privacy invaded by such laws. They are also woefully ignorant of history.

Naga Jolokia : A Most Brutal Attempt at Food Blogging

Naga JolokiaThis pepper has no sense of humour. It cannot be charmed, pleaded or negotiated with. If you were to meet it in a dark alleyway it would not be satisfied with the contents of your wallet, your watch, your wedding ring, your electronic gadgets, because it wants to Fuck You Up.

The “Ghost Pepper” as it is also known, was born in violence, and violence is all that it understands. It cannot be happy unless you are not. It will burn off your lips, your tongue, your throat, reduce you to a sputtering remnant of the man you once were.

This little wrinkly red motherfucker is the vegetal embodiment of detached sadism. If Naga Jolokia were a man, it would be an eight foot tall Nazi. If it were an animal it would be a shark on amphetamines.  If it were a car, it would be a tank. If it had been a fruit, it would be an apple driving a bulldozer through your face just because you were in the way and then backing up to mash up the rubble that was your skull for shits and giggles.

I decided to make chili powder out it, toasting this dried, seeded, and stemmed menace on low heat with a pinch of whole cumin seed, and inadvertently transformed my apartment into a failed weaponized gas laboratory. The air was filled with burns. I couldn’t tell if I had been tear gassed at a protest and hallucinated this dangerous brush with domesticity, or if a malign ghost had taken up residence in my apartment, its suitcases packed with nothing but hatred for the living and evil intents.

-Written in my washroom where I cower in between the ventilator and an open window, trying to breathe but not quite succeeding.

Top 10 Halloween Costume Ideas for the Ladies

1 : Sexy Hobo

2 : Sexy Wall Insulation

3 : Sexy Autographed First Edition Copy of The Rats of Nimh with three or four pages Missing from Chapter 8.

4 : Sexy not-really-in-a-costume-just-getting-a-drink-with-friends-onHalloween-in-my-sweatpants-stop-asking-me-“who-I’m-supposed-to-be”

5 : Sexy Nurse Just Off the Late Shift Covered in a Drug Addict’s Mucus

6 : Sexy Eleanor Roosevelt

7 : Sexy Combination Pirate/Angel/Cheerleader/Devil/I only have one day in the year when I can get away with wearing this skirt, but I’m going to make sure it’s done in a Po-Mo context/Mind your own business

8 : Sexy Gender-Bending Andy Dufresne from The Shawshank Redemption after he has crawled through a mile of raw sewage to his freedom because he was innocent all along (SPOILER ALERT)

9 : Sexy Spoiler Alert.

10 : Sexy Top Ten List.

Gay Divorce Now Legal in Canada

The problem with the politics of hysteria is that it rarely gets things right.

A little while ago, two foreign citizens, both women tried to get their Canadian-sanctioned marriage annulled, only to discover that their marriage was not legal because their home nations did not recognize it.  Thousands jumped on this ambiguity in the law which prevented gay divorce as proof that Stephen Harper was trying to outlaw same sex marriage by some legal back door, despite the fact that this was a matter before the judicial branch of government, and not of the legislative or executive where the office of Prime Minister holds power.  Yesterday, after the law was clarified by the Harper government, those two women had their divorce finalized.  They are now free to grow bitter over their failed romantic involvement, resentful over a cocktail of broken promises and disagreements over property.  Just like everybody else.

An open letter to the girl who stuck her bare ass out of a stretch SUV limo on King Street last night

Thank you for showing me your ass. It was a pretty bum and exactly the type of thing I’d like to see while mired in the doldrums of serving 16 variations on a prix fixe menu. It also slowed down work a little as the entire patio rose to figure out for what purpose a crowd of men had spontaneously formed on the sidewalk in front of the restaurant, the illumination of dozens of smartphones held up high like lightbulbs above each of their heads. Which is an appropriate simile, because they were all getting ideas.

I thought it a little bit rapey when a man came up to slap and grab your butt cheeks while posing for photos in which his friends would later tag him, in a Facebook album entitled ‘TIFF 2013’ or ‘Bros’n’Hoes’, and I found it a little unfortunate for your future sober self that so many were recording your antics, but when you turned around to face your audience, your smiling face offered the consent your rump never could.

Briefly, I considered that there may have been some greater point to make of all this about gender politics, consent, or the proliferation of citizen-surveillance technology documenting and exploiting our drunkest moments, but it escaped me as I watched you make out with the man your fanny caught like a venus fly trap, his feet trying to negotiate the procedure as your limo slowly crawled through the TIFF-induced gridlock of Saturday night.

All I know is that I would never stick my dick out of a moving motor vehicle, with or without the intention of luring a woman towards it, but I’d like you to picture that for a moment, because that’s essentially what you did. Of course, when you did it, it was a lot a cuter.

As I watched your limo make it’s way down Restaurant Row, sitting on the window with your arms on the roof, your dress still hiked up and your head turned coquettishly over your shoulder like a model in a shampoo ad, I couldn’t help but notice you looked, almost, imperious. You seemed to take a certain pride in how one little arse could so disrupt an entire block’s worth of pedestrians and diners.

But I could barely see you at that point, the flow of traffic had swept you away from my sight, leaving me with nothing but the fading memory of the butterfly tattoo which was so appropriately located on the small of your back.

Sincerely,
Your Biggest Fan